Movie review: Twilight

Movie review: Twilight

Robert Pattinson is HOT! At least that is what I’ve heard. Pattinson has come a long way from Cedric Diggory. In Twilight, the film adaptation of Stephenie Meyer’s emo-vampire-porn novel with the same name, he portrays Edward Cullen, a vampire with a crush and he fucking sparkles. Oh, and he falls in love with a girl and she falls in love with him. But they shouldn’t because he is dangerous, but then they should because they are in love. And so it’s yes and no and yes and no and after a while you are craving they fucking make up their minds. And that’s just about the whole story, actually… All the other stuff only happens so that Bella can see how incredible well endowed… uh… how radiantly brilliant Edward is.

I’ve read the book. Well, I tried. But after five thousand adjectives in three chapters I threw it away. One thing is for sure, Meyer is one terrible writer. Maybe she knows how to captivate the illiterate minds of insecure teenage emo kids but I kinda hated it to read for the umpteenth time that Edwards skin was like beautiful, cold marble (and who the fuck likes kissing cold marble?). Happily I can say the movie is brilliant compared to the book. Not saying the movie is brilliant on its own, because that’s like saying anal probing is a pleasant experience.

Dude, one Tom Cruise is enough!

Dude, one Tom Cruise is enough!

Though I understand the attraction of the story and I can forgive minor flaws there is just one thing that just doesn’t add up. We all know Vampires kinda hate sunlight because it’s not really healthy for them. Well, when the Twilight vampires catch some sun, they sparkle… Yes, that is so fucking sad and an obvious attempt to make them more attractive. We all know girls go mad for sparkles. But how the hell did they manage to live their lives for a decade in a town where nothing goes unnoticed, avoiding sunlight while going to school or work as a doctor? The last time I checked, weather reports were at most barely reliable and to stake you whole fraudulent life on it is a bit far fetched. Besides that, vampires need a weakness to make them interesting. That’s why Superman has Cryptonite, zombies are slow and Batman has that gay kid, Robin.

All in all it’s less cringe worthy than the novels but you have to be into these kind of mushy movies. The most amazing thing is that these books and the movie are fucking bigger than Harry Potter ever was. When you Google for Twilight you’ll find 106.000.000 results. Harry Potter maxes out on 80.000.000 results. Harry Potter topped by a sparkling emo vampire, un-fucking-believable. And Twilight definitely did not deserve the MTV award for the best movie. No way in hell it compares to the Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire or Tropic Thunder.

About the Author

Long haired, tattooed and with an attraction to everything not so ordinary. Loves the world, not so all of its inhabitants. Open minded, floaty, down to earth and a bit of everything else... Likes to spend time reading, traveling, sports, boozing, gaming, watching movies and more. Yep, that sums it up quite right!